MONSTERS UNDER THE BED

SLEEP PARALYSIS "Sleep paralysis is a condition in which someone, most often lying in a supine position, about to drop off to sleep, or just upon waking from sleep realizes that s/he is unable to move, or speak, or cry out. This may last a few seconds or several moments, occasionally longer. People frequently report feeling a 'presence' that is often described as malevolent, threatening, or evil. An intense sense of dread and terror is very common." - James Allan Cheyne, University of Waterloo, Canada

"Help me! Help me!" I tried to screamed out as I was laying in my bed and could not move. I could not move my feet, I could not move my arms and I could not speak. I did not know what was happening and I felt like someone was watching me. I tried to close my eyes but I still felt that presence and it terrified me. I was probably fifteen when that first happened and it continued to happen a lot after that. It took me about two to three years to look up online and find out exactly what this was. That is when I first heard the words 'Sleep Paralysis'. Never did I think that it was going to become part of me and that ten years later I would still be having these experiences.

Welcome back to another blog!

A few years after learning exactly what this was that was happening to me and doing my research, after listening to so many documentaries and testimonies. I decided to do something of my own. To face my fears and actually allow what ever that presence was to show "themselves" (I know what you are thinking, that sounds ridiculous who do I think I am 'Ghostbusters?'). I am telling you right now at that moment I would have rather walked into an actual haunted house than do what I was planning on doing. Then the night came where I fell asleep and woke up tied up to my bed, unable to move and barely breathe. I did not scream I just stared and stared at the end of my bed, waiting for something to happen. That is when I saw it, what ever that was it was not human and it was the most hideous and disgusting thing I have ever seen. I started breathing faster and faster (I could almost hear myself breathing) until I could not take it anymore, so I closed my eyes and just told what ever that was "to leave me a lone, that I was not afraid of it and that its ugly self could disappear" (I probably hurt its feelings.. oh well!). It probably felt like an eternity but I am sure it was only a few seconds and when I woke up I picked up my pencil and just drew what I had seen.

(This is the actual drawing I did back then after waking up)

That was the first time I started to draw my nightmares!

Most people I talk to either had this horrible experience in the past, still have sleep paralysis or know someone that goes through it. I do not think I have ever heard of anyone who was comfortable dealing with that or that it did not terrify them. As you grow up you start to realize it is more than just a nightmare but that it is not more than your mind playing tricks with you (I honestly would love to see a card trick better than that).

I never saw that face again, I have had different experiences with sleep paralysis through the years but never again did I come face to face with the one I drew that night.

Art became part of me through the years, the feeling I got when I grabbed my sketch book and with drawings expressed how I felt has no words (I am almost positive that is how I made it through my teenage years). As the years pass I draw less and it is not something I am proud of, but it will always be part of me. It is incredible how you can make something out of a blank piece of paper and give it life. I gave my nightmares life and learned to live with them, to accept what ever they were and not let it make me lose sleep. I am not saying I suggest everyone does the same, I am very aware there are some nightmares we rather forget but in my case when it came to sleep paralysis and what I saw, owning it was my way to go.

"YOUR WORST ENEMY CANNOT HARM YOU AS MUCH AS YOUR OWN UNGUARDED THOUGHTS" - BUDDHA

Buddha was a wise one

I have been thinking a lot lately, a little bit more deeply about "Owning my fears". Have you ever just literally sat there and thought about everything that you fear, maybe even wrote it down? It probably sounds depressing or scary to you right?. I have been doing this for years and it has been the most empowering thing I could have ever done. I have been able to pin point certain aspects of my life and understand the fears, to become one with them so that when I am faced with a challenge it is not a foreign feeling.

From the smallest most insignificant ones to the ones that haunt me at night...

- Clowns (boy do I hate them...)

- Insects

- Getting my blood drawn! (no it is not the same as getting tattoos!)

- End of the world sirens (sort of like a tornado siren)

- My Sleep Paralysis

- Finding out we are a lone in the Universe (we are not!)

- Not being able to breathe during a panic attack

- Failing myself*

- Falling into depression once again

- Losing my mom

It is very scary to put these out there, but I share them just to show you that I am able to name them to give them their own identity and to OWN them. That I have pretty much faced them one on one and they no longer take over me. It was the detachment of them that helped me be able to conquer them. This might not work for every aspect of my life or it might not even work for you, but when I tell you the feeling I got one day when in the middle of the day I stopped and felt a sudden feeling of failure, that I hated where my life was and I wanted to scream and just make it all go away.. so many thoughts rushed through my head. Then all of the sudden, I realized I thought I was failing myself and this is something I struggled with and because I knew this and was familiar with this feeling in the past I told myself that being in the situation I was in did not mean I had failed myself. It did not mean that "this was it" I faced that scary thought and changed my views on it. Only then by doing this by myself did I realize I had not failed anyone.

So wether it was that girl trying to be a tough one and face that monster during my sleep paralysis, or my twenty-four year old self trying to figure out my next move. I proved that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, that I could do anything I put my mind to and that even those Monsters Under The Bed did not have the power to make me fold. I believe you can too!

"IN THE AWAKENED PERSON, THERE IS NO FEAR" - GAUTAMA BUDDHA

Do not forget that you have the power to own and do anything you put your mind to, we live in a world where questioning things and asking questions make us different and the enemy. Please do not ever stop asking questions, being different is what makes us special and in this society I believe it is the only way we will survive instead of going by what people think you should be. You are beautiful. You are Handsome. You are light. You are special. You are worthy. You are strong. You are the universe and everything that makes it.

See you guys next time! Stay Positive!

- Namaste

(Daisy Gonzalez)