How did Buddhism change my life?

I know I was confused when I first heard about it. In order for me to even give a little bit of my knowledge on Buddhism I have to start from MY beginning.

At twenty years old with a good job and enrolled in school, I was pretty content with my life. Love life was good and I was not too worried about what my next step was going to be, just living life. One regular day just like any other day at work, I started to feel uneasy. I started shivering and it almost seemed like the whole world was dimming to black. I ran to the bathroom and as I am closing the door I felt like I could not breathe. I start hyperventilating and dropped to the floor.

THAT WAS MY FIRST PANIC ATTACK.

It probably lasted five minutes, I got up and asked my manager if I could go home early. The whole subway ride home all I kept on replaying was that drop, the moment I lost complete control of my breathing, it was the scariest feeling in the world.

"The mind acts like an enemy for those who do not control it." - Buddha

FINDING BUDDHISM:

After that day, and after a few panic attacks later I finally looked for help. I went to a psychiatrist and to therapy for months. We talked about my life and everything I was going through, and in the mean time I started taking antidepressants. It was honestly the darkest times I have ever experienced. The medication made me feel like a zombie and they kept on increasing the dose. I was not seeing any improvement, and i felt shittier and shittier about myself every day. Months of this and I just wanted to feel better, to feel myself again and be able to go back to work and school.

I read in an article somewhere about meditation and I never really knew what it was but I found it interesting. After a few minutes of searching and reading that it was pretty much sitting in a quiet spot and being in complete silence and peace, I decided to try it.

Very quickly I realized that was not for me, imagine a person who suffers from anxiety, who is always overthinking and being scared of absolutely everything to just sit there with her own thoughts. It was hell. I threw the idea away and continued with my messed up panicky life.

"Making mistakes is better than faking perfection" - Buddha

Weeks later I wanted to find something that would entertain me that would make me forget all the anxiety and sadness I was feeling. I remembered meditation and how much it had failed that one time, but I always loved researching random stuff online, that was the beauty of the internet in my life.

So I started researching where did meditation come from, where is it most commonly used and exactly for what. Article after article, the only word that kept on popping up was BUDDHISM.

WHAT WAS BUDDHISM?

So never being really religious myself, and having a difficult relationship with God for years, I thought I had stumbled into a different religion. I did not know if I should keep on reading, was it a sin? was I betraying my Catholic family? I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I could not stop reading. With every word it felt like I was understanding myself, it felt good and it felt like home.

It was confusing at first but very quickly I picked up on its first teachings and I learned about who Buddha was. I applied little teachings and practices to my every day life and eventually they were second nature to me, they became part of me and my every day routines. That was another thing, I developed routines.

I wont sit here and tell you that this happened over night or that it was easy. It felt easy for me because of how peaceful it felt, and how much I had been longing that. The understanding and accepting the teachings, now that was the hard part.

NOW WHAT?

So what exactly can you take from this story?

I wanna tell my story, not just this one but the many more that have helped me be where I am today. The many ups and downs of this journey that I am still working on, and how almost five years later I am able to sit down and be happy with the person I am today.

How that one first panic attack helped me, and don't get me wrong I still have those very down and dark moments. The difference is the tools and knowledge I now know, and how much Buddhism has helped me. It does not make it seem like the end of the world. I plan on sharing those teachings and tools and that you some how apply them into your life, how ever it may be and what ever works for you. There is so much more to learn and I am excited for whats to come.

Bare with me with this

The whole point of it is to show to people out there like me, going through different kinds of journeys and questioning themselves. For you to know you are not alone in this, and you will see how you can change something that felt like a flaw, into your most admirable quality.

NAMASTE